Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ding dong the hornet's dead!

Which hornet? The fire-breathing, monster-sized hornet that was hiding in my makeup case this morning. Not be the confused with the quadruple-winged, ridge-backed, mutant hornet that was crawling up my dining room wall when I arrived home from school ten minutes ago. What the hell is with all the creatures migrating into our apartment? "Hello, landlord? This is Kristen....GIVE ME A FUCKING WINDOW SCREEN!!!" The lights in our apartment must emit some kind of frequency that's like the cocaine for giant insects. They see it in our living room, they know it's wrong...they see their friends fly to the dark side (the bright side in this case) and they have to try it for themselves...and they figure while they're here, they may as well go into the bathroom and try on some of my makeup.

Back to this morning where I nearly fell into a shock-coma after discovering a hornet bumbling around in the bottom of my makeup case. Now that I'm back in school, I don't get up until 7:30am, (Luc is already at work by then) so getting ready in the morning is a solitary activity. After putting in my contact lenses, my muffled morning senses detected some sort of irregular sound. I looked at the tap and there was no action there. I looked at the bottle of eye makeup remover that crackles when it's all shaken up and foamy, but I hadn't touched it yet. I lowered my ear to the counter and followed the noise to my makeup case. By the time I had my nose 1 millimeter away from the opening, I realized that it wasn't bubbling, it wasn't was buzzing. Through the piles of mascara wands and powder cases I could see a giant insect bum waddling back and forth. Obviously I screamed. Obviously I jumped on top of the toilet....only to realize that the area had to be secured, and FAST. Every girl reading this knows what I did next.

Yes...I got a container to trap the bugger. This was no ordinary situation though - he wasn't stationary, he was already angry (after screaming I told him there was NO WAY he could use my mascara, even if it did bring out the multiple colours in his multiple insect eyeballs), and he was awkwardly lodged at the bottom of my makeup case. This called for an extra large yogurt container and a whole lot of courage.

I ran back to the bathroom with the container, and I went for the band aid method - no thinking, just fast and furious. I picked up the makeup case in my left hand, turned it upside down and threw/shook everything out onto the counter, yogurt container in my right hand (for maximum speed and dexterity), ready to pounce. Through a sustained scream, I pushed makeup off the counter and isolated the hornet underneath the yogurt container.

He was PISSED. He was super-sized hornet, psycho, I'm going to fly inside you and sting you in the heart, PISSED. I acted fast and put our Costco-sized bottle of mouthwash on top of the yogurt container. He kept buzzing and flying around ferociously. I honestly thought he was going to topple the heavy container over from his persistent and crazed ramming of the container wall. Honestly. my enormous relief, he was dead when I got home today. He may just be playing dead though, so I left him under the container for Luc to handle when he's home from work. As for the other hornet, he was a tricky case too. I had to trap him against the wall under a clear container, so that I could see his position inside as I slid the container down the wall and then maneuvered him from inside and against the wall to inside and on the floor. I can see him from where I'm sitting right now and he's clearly plotting my death through some sort of maniacal hornet scheme. Another one for Luc to deal with. And this has been the story of why I could never live alone.  

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