Monday, May 18, 2009

Grocery Shopping 101

  1. For maximum aisle blockage, park your cart diagonally, because people don't mind waiting while you decide if you need to save 50 cents by purchasing almost-expired cheese.
  2. Watch as your kids dip their hands elbow-deep into the bulk food items - other people don't buy that junk anyway.
  3. Let your kids eat deodorant. Why not?
  4. Bring your uncle, grandma, cousins, sister, sister's kids, sister's kids' friend and your sister's kids' friend's grandma...the more the merrier.
  5. Disregard stop signs in the parking lot to keep other drivers on their toes.
  6. Talk on your cell phone while driving your cart with one hand, consequently running into innocent bystanders.
  7. Whenever possible, walk in slow motion and linger unnecessarily in high-traffic areas.
  8. Tell your wife, in front of everyone, that she doesn't need any more cookies; embarrassing for her, but funny for the rest of us.
  9. Go into the '15 items or less' line with enough groceries to stock an army bomb shelter - that sign is really just a suggestion anyway.
  10. Crash into my car as I'm backing out, then ask if you can still have my parking spot.

1 comment:

  1. 11. Wear the oldest pair of sweatpants you own and the T-shirt you got free from a case of Molson Canadian. None of us mind the old mustard stains because we all know you just don't care. That's what makes you so cool.


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